Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
