I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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