Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
