I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
