the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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