She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
