my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
