I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
