I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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