i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
