My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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