Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
