Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
