hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
