I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
