Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
