My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
