He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
