Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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