At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
