so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Drunk is not a location!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
