my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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