guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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