burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
