I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
fuck your aforementioned shoe
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
