My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
