Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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