You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
