I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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