I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
organizing the empties. That sober.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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