So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
