Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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