no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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