Got a toothbrush?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
