I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Someone came in the potted fern
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
