you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
