ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
