just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
