Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You took a bar mat shot.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
