My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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