Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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