Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
