I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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