Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
