Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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