We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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