My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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