So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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