Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
what is it with giant penises always finding me
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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