Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
